If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We got so high we made milksteak
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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