Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i've created a new STD.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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