I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
4 words: hood of his car
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
