I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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