First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
