DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize