It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
