so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
