hell yes lets make some ravioli
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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