I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Randomize
