Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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