I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
