apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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