There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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