the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
