Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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