You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
