Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
