HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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