textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
