FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize