I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
