he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
