my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
