I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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