barbara walters just said penis...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
