yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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