Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Who died my cat blue again?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
