the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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