Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
