Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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