i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
