you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
