The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
