Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
