My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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