Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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