butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
