I hate your face
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize