Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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