I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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