can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
