morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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