my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize