in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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