did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
