Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
