Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
