if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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