porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
