Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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