Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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