I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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