I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
This house was built for laser tag.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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