broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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