I want to walk on stilts...naked
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
