i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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