I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
