OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize