so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
