so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize