Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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