If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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