I got chris browned last night
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
