Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Randomize
